Elizabeth Lesser has a wonderful book called "Broken Open; How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow" that I am reading for the third time. I have recently had some experiences that made this book a guide and a necessity. I separated from my husband, moved to a new house, and my father died - all within the space of three weeks. That was May. It is now September. I thought, being the virgo, type-A person that I am, that by now I would be well on my way to the life on the other side of my life's tragedies. That is not the case. I have tried to accept this and learn some patience. Elizabeth talks about going into the pain to find courage in the softness of sadness. I always thought courage was about strength and resilience. My sad, broken heart just needed to get over things. Yet, as I take more care of me and let the sadness exist for a while I am finding a new dimension to courage that I never knew I had. You see, for a long time I hid my pain and put on a facade for everyone. Now the veil is lifted and I am standing naked in my own reality, facing the woman in the mirror who lets her true feelings show and is not ashamed of the truth anymore.
Elizabeth also talks about the "Open Secret" that we all share. We tell each other in our conversations and greetings that all is well and life is good and have a wonderful day. We walk away envious of the other's happiness because we know ours' is fake. But the secret is that the people we greet most often feel the same way. They think we are the happy ones and they wish they were us. If we were honest we would both see that we have pain and fears and disappointments. We would be able to truly see each other and perhaps even lift each other up. Instead we want others to believe we are happy and all is well even though we are tortured by the misbelief that it is really everyone else who has found the key to happiness for which we continue to search. I walked around like that for years and it took a lot of energy to pretend I was "fabulous" when what I truly needed was to open my heart and tell my story.
I am in the process of becoming real. I am slowly coming to like and love myself. I am thinking again of what pleases me, exploring the dreams and longings of my heart. I am learning to trust the voice within me that I finally recognize as my own. I am beginning adventures, like building a business. I spend time calling friends I have neglected for a long time. I am writing down my goals and planning my life. I am taking time to sit with myself so I can listen to silence and wait for answers from within. I am learning to trust that my sadness is the pathway through to the me I have yearned to find. And when I think I don't know how I will make it on my own I remind myself that I am already doing it, one miraculous day at a time.
I know that as women we are so used to taking care of others that we forget how to love and nurture ourselves. In the last three months I have had an awakening, a Phoenix kind of arising, from my past. I see now that my life was not full of mistakes, but of lessons and blessings, from which my whole self is being formed. For within every perceived failure lies our potential for success if we but seek the lesson offered.
